100 Hilarious Funny Jokes SMS Text Msgs Messages in English
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1. Whenever you feel worthless, remember. You were once the quickest sperm cell.
My name is little dancing man but you can call me dark and every day I do a jig from morning until dark.
Fine lassies come from far and wide to watch me shake my touch and if they start to crowd me 1 yell ‘ladies’ please don’t push!
Pappu went to a doctor to get a solution of loose motions.
Doctor: tell me, what’s your problem?
Pappu: Suffering from unlimited free outgoing with different ringtones.
Manager: What is your qualification?
Pappu: I’m Ph.D.
Manager: What do you mean by Ph.D.?
Pappu: Passed high school with difficulty.
5. Once Rajnikanth went to Switzerland and accidentally dropped his wallet in a building. Since then the building is known as ‘Swiss Bank’
6. The best day for you in the whole year is April 1 because that’s the day that suits you best.
7. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position…
Interviewer: What is a skeleton?
Sardar: Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting, but forgot to stop it.
9. A fast beating heart doesn’t always mean love. A blushing face is not always a sign that you’re in love. Sometimes hubog lang! Hahaha
10. Every new year’s I resolve to lose 20 pounds and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
A cute Nurse came for interview.
Doctor: What salary do you expect?
Nurse: Rs 10,000
Doctor was overjoyed and said: My pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure its Rs 25,000
Wife: whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it, I don’t know what to do?
Husband: Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them!
New way of writing answers in exams.
If you don’t know the answer,
then put lines like this:
and write below:
‘Scratch here for ANSWERS’
One boy on his way to home with his mom after school,
Saw a couple kissing on the road,
He suddenly shouted and said look mom,
They are fighting for CHEWING GUM.
Height of Shame.
At bus stop a girl was standing with her face covered. A man on bike stops and says ‘Let’s have fun today!’
Girl replies: Papa it’s me!
Husband and Wife had a Fight.
Wife called Mom: He fought with me again,
I am coming to you.
Mom: No Sun, he must pay for his mistake,
I am coming to stay with you!
Seriously first time in Indian history. Latest funny event occurred Friends, Petrol is cheaper then Onions in India!
18. The world is here at, Sharad University…
Where are you?
At a better university.
19. A boy got rejected and girl got selected in an interview for same reason. Think? they both had the first two buttons of their shirts open in front of the CEO … Jokes!
20. A man lost on no-man’s-land Island. One day he decided to build a wood boat to save his life. Suddenly a hot girl came there and the man use the wood for making bed. Moral – A girl can change your goal.
21. Sweet Fact: If a Girl has balance in her cell, then she definitely has a boyfriend and if a boy has sufficient balance in his cell, then he surely does not have any girlfriend.
22. Heated gold becomes ornaments, beaten copper become wires, compressed rocks become diamonds and mentally tortured men become ‘Best Husbands’
23. On a romantic day titu’s GF asks him, ‘Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring? ‘Titu: from landline or mobile.
Height of Social Networking:
A girl’s Facebook status: I’m online from Toilet!
Her sister commented on status: come
out fast, I’m getting emergency!
Q: Why did titu take his pregnant wife tiya to Pizza Hut?
A: Because they advertised ‘Free Delivery’
26. Best advice to young boys: If you want to change the nation, do it now. Once you get married, you won’t be able to change even the TV channel!
27. Why are wives ‘more’ dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either your money or life…
The wives want both!
Madam: Who searched ‘I Love You’?
Titu: It’s has no warranty. If works, till forever. If not, then no ever.
Dog was Chasing Titu
Titu runs, but Laughing…
A Man asked why are you Laughing? Titu replied
I have put Vodafone Sim, but the Hutch network is Following…
A Secretary came angrily out of boss cabin
colleague asked: What happened?
She replied: He asked me are you free tonight?
I said: Yes, and bastard give me 101 pages of work.
31. An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope Santa Singh was observing him, suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa Singh shouted, ‘Kya nishana lagaya hai!’ Waah… Waah…
32. If you think your boss is stupid.
You would not get the job.
If he was smarter.
33. The heights of Bad Luck A boy and cute girl met last time for their break up. Girl’s father and boy’s mother caught them. Now they are married couple…
How to reduce weight?
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this one whenever you have given something to eat!
35. Santa got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He gave Rs 10 and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
Madam to Student: Last Semester you were roaming
with that girl and this semester, you are roaming with other.
What you think of yourself?
Boy: Syllabus changed mam.
Relationship status and singer,
Before relationship, Honey Singh!
When in relationship: Arjit Singh!
After breakup: Jagjit Singh.
English Teacher: One cute and young girl is walking on the road. Change this into a Punjabi exclamatory sentence. Sardar student: Oye, Pataka!
39. After a big accident, a man was crying: O God! I have lost my left hand?
Santa: Control yourself my friend. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
After robbing the bank, 1 robber to clerk: Did you see me robbing?
Clerk: Yes, I saw you.
Robber killed him and asked to the next clerk: Did you?
Second Clerk: No, but my wife saw you!
Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: You can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.
42. A Sardar looking at sky asks another Sardar: Is that a sun or moon? Other Sardar replies: Oye! No idea… I’m new to this city.
43. What is the extreme limit of stupidity? Two Sardars sitting on a Rikshaw and fighting for a corner seat.
44. Once a Sardar, his wife, son and daughter went to a private party. There he introduces his family to a stranger by saying, ‘I am Sardar, she is Sardarni, he is my kid and she is my kidney.’
45. A lady tourist went to a country on a vacation. In the evening, she was toddling on the beach. A security person came to her and said, ‘Mam only one-piece is allowed here.’ The lady was awe, thinking which one to open.
46. Once Amitabhh Bachchann and Pran were travelling in a train and were engaged in a good gossip for the entire journey. A station came after hours and Pran boarded off. Mr. Bachchan remained. A stranger co-passenger asked to Mr. Bachchan, “Both of you seemed good friend, why didn’t you go away with him.” Amitabh said, “Pran jae per Vachan na jae.”
47. While visiting Santa’s house, Banta noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model. Thinking that perhaps the larger set has broken down, Banta asked why the small one was there. ‘Oh,’ Santa replied, “I have decided to watch less Tv.’
48. I have lots of jokes in my inbox,
jokes in Hindi
jokes in English
But I can’t send you all of them,
It will take a lot of time,
So, I’m sending you just 1 joke
Full of Laugh N Comedy
“You are so beautiful”
49. When somebody who is deeply
in Love with you tells that
cute, beautiful, & angelic, talented
I agree. That’s true,
Believe me, I swear because love is definitely blind
50. Most people have 5 senses.
Some people have 6 senses.
But your blessed with 7 senses.
An extra sense is NON-SENSE.
The Sun makes moon shine,
Current makes bulbs shine,
Wax makes candles shine But,
I’m really confused.
Wat makes you shine?
Is it Harpic or Domex!
God saw you hungry, he created Pizza,
He saw you thirsty, he created Pepsi,
He saw you in dark, he created light,
He saw me without Problem, he created you.
53. You are many kilometres away from me. But still I’m
watching your every move thru 3 different channels
2. Cartoon Network.
3. Animal Planet.
54. A very serious MENTAL operation will start at mental
hospital of KOLKATA SSKM, so all Doctors and Nurses are
ready. But the MENTAL PATIENT is now busy to read this SMS
This Jokes. Keep on reading….
In 3 ways, you can break the mirror,
1. Throw stone at the mirror,
2. Throw the mirror on the floor.
3. Stand in front of the mirror and smile.
By showing your teeth!
Your network tariff has changed!
Call charges are now calculated
according to brain size.
The smaller the cheaper!
Congrats You can make free calls!
My eyes detected
My heart reacted
Thousand were rejected &
Only you were selected.
Because I needed a monkey for an advertisement.
What? Is A Difference Between
A Kiss, A Car and A Monkey?
A Kiss Is So Dear,
A Car Is Too Dear And
A Monkey Is You Dear.
Do you remember the day we travelled in a car?
I put my dog out of the window,
You put your face out,
Then people started shouting
60. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Height of Surprise:
‘A boy after spending great time with GF,
Saw a guy’s photo in her bag
Asked – Is he your X BF?
GF kissed him said no dear that’s me before surgery!
Urgent girlfriend needed.
Qualification: must be the only daughter of a petrol pump
A family comes out of an electronic shop,
Son holds ‘iPad’
Daughter holds ‘iPod’
Mother holds ‘iPhone’
Father is holding a banner that says |_I paid_|
Santa: Aaj Mera Beta First Class Me Aaya
Teacher: Very Good
Santa: RAJDHANI EXPRESS TRAIN Me
One hand on pen, other on phone, One ear on lecture,
other on gossip, One eye on board, other on Girlfriend,
Which Ass says student life is easy?
We are very busy!
Santa went to temple and saw people putting coin in box and
Santa: Wow! How amazing. People are talking to God through
coin phone without receiver!
Santa: I lost Rs 1000 in a bet
Santa: On cricket match, I bet Rs 500 and lost.
Banta where did the rest go?
Santa: I bet on the highlight too very funny Santa Banta jokes
My girlfriend is like my iPhone.
I don’t have an iPhone.
58. Husband and wife are like two tyres of a vehicle: Even
one punctures, the vehicle can’t move further. So, Intelligent
people always carry a spare wheel!
59. TIPS 4 Boys: If you marry one girl, she will fight WITH you.
If you marry two girls, they will fight FOR you. Think
Don’t give importance to money
It can give bed but not sleep,
Books but not brains,
Clothes but not beauty,
Luxuries but not happiness.
So, Transfer it to my account!
Send this message to 5,00,000 people…
DO NOT IGNORE,
It’s very serious,
This is not a joke,
IT’S GOD GRACE,
After one month,
You’ll Receive Something Big!
YOUR MOBILE BILL
Best Error Message of The Century! Very Funny!
An Error Shown by A Computer:
No Keyboard Connected!
Press F1 to Continue!
63. A man to Santa: your friend is kissing your wife in your
home he rushes to his home and come back within half an
hour and slapped that man and said: He was not my friend!
Thoughts for the night:
Don’t waste time by thinking about your past or future!
Better kill some mosquitoes in that time.
So, that you can sleep better!
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs
Sardar: I don’t know.
Examiner: You failed, what’s your name.
Sardar: See my legs and tell my name…
Once A Secretary at Apple Was Late
Because Of Car Trouble, Steve Jobs
Gave Her a Jaguar and Said,
‘Don’t Be Late Anymore.’
When I Was Late My Boss Gave Me A Letter
And Told Me to Never Come Back Lol!
Money Can Buy a House Not Home A
Bed but Not Sleep, Medicine But
Not Health, Money Is Dirty It
Only Causes Pain and Suffering
Send Me All Ur Money and Be Happy!
Don’t Lose Hope If You Aren’t
Getting Promotion in Office.
Remember, Pradyumann Is Still
An Acp And Daya Is Still An
Inspector! And That Too,
Even After 17 Years of Service!
After Robbing the Bank, 1 Robber
To Clerk: Did You See Me Robbing?
Clerk: Yes, I Saw You.
Robber Killed Him and Asked
To the Next Clerk: Did You? Second
Clerk: No, But My Wife Saw You!
Rose Is Red, Sky Is Blue A
Friend Like You Should Be Kept
In Zoo, Don’t Mind… There
You Will Find Me Too, Not In
A Cage, But Laughing at You.
This Message Is Strictly For,
Smart and Intelligent People;
And If You Have Received It. Then
Obviously, It’s A Technical Error.
The Men Are Very Kind and Women
Are Very Selfish. Proof.
Most Women Don’t Like Help Unknown
Men, But All Men Are Ready
Anytime to Help Unknown Women!
Sense of Responsibility:
A Man Goes to Library And
Asks for A Book on Suicide.
Librarian Looks at Him And
‘Bhai Wapas Kaun Dene Aayega’
If Electricity Goes in America,
They Call the Power Station.
In Japan, They Test the Fuse,
But in India They Check The
‘Sab Ki Gayi Hai Na, Fir Thik Hai’
Grandfather to Grandson:
Go Hide, Your Teacher Is Coming
As You Bunked School Today.
Grandson: You Go Hide,
I Told Her You Passed Away…
Sister to Brother: What Are You Going
To Gift Grandma on Her Birthday?
Sister: But Grandma Does Not Play.
Brother: On My Birthday, She Gave
Me Bhagvad Gita. Uska Kya!
Teacher: Who Is Terrorist?
Santa: Terrorist Is A
Tourist, Who Comes From
Another Country to Celebrate
Diwali In Our Country.
If Wife Kisses Every Time You Come
Back Home, Remember Its Not
Affection. It’s Inspection Of
Daaru, Perfume or Lipstick,
Be Careful. Janhit Me Jaari.
Where Do You See MANGOES…?
Mango Tree … No
Fruit Shop … No
Maaza … No
Jaha Jaha Beautiful Woman
Peeche Peeche MAN GOES…
Teacher: If A Tiger Attacks
Your Mother in Law and Your
Wife at The Same Time, Whom
Would You Save?
Santa: Of course, The
Tiger, Very Few Are Left!
Superb Attitude for Life: Cheers
All the Boys for This. Living
With Wife Is a Part of Life,
But Living with The Same
Wife for Years, Is Art of Life!
A Letter from A Teacher to A Parent
Dear Parent, Kumar Doesn’t Smell
Nice in Class, Please Try to Bath
Him. Parents Answer: Dear
Teacher, Kumar Is Not A
Rose, Don’t Smell Him Teach Him.
Santa Was Driving Car Very Fast,
Traffic Police Caught Him…
Santa: Sir, I Am Learning Driving.
Police: Without Teacher?
Santa: Ya, Its Correspondence Course!
Dog and Mosquito Were in Love,
Mosquito Kissed the Dog.
Dog Become Emotional Gave A
Love Bite to Mosquito.
Mosquito Died of Rabies,
Dog Died of Dengue.
Moral: Intercaste Love Is Dangerous.
85. Husband and Wife Are Sleeping,
Wife Dreaming and She Suddenly
Quick, My Husband Is Back.
Husband Gets Up in Lightening
Speed & Jumps Out of The Window!
Arranged Marriage Is Like.
You Are Walking and Unfortunately
A Snake Bites You…
And Love Marriage Is.
Dancing in Front of a Cobra
Come Bite … Come Bite Me…
Two Friends Were Walking But
Suddenly They Stopped.
1st: Oh, My God, My Girlfriend And
My Wife Are Coming Together.
2nd: Damn Mine Too…
Monday … Shopping
Tuesday … Hotel
Wednesday … Outing
Thursday … Dinner
Friday … Movie
Saturday … Picnic
Kitna Maaza Aayega!
Husband: Yes, Sunday Mandir!
Husband: ‘Bheek Maangne’
Aiswariya’s Daughter Araddhya
Going to Play School.
Teacher: Who Is Your Grandfather.?
Araddhya: Big B
Teacher: Who Is Your Mother.?
Araddhya: Miss World
Teacher: Who Is Your Father.?
Araddhya: No Idea Sir Ji…
God: I Can’t Be Everywhere,
So, I Created Mother.
Evil: I Too Can’t Be Everywhere,
So, I Created Mother-In-Law!
If You Feel Stressed,
Give Yourself a Break,
Ice Cream Chocolates Candy
Cake. Why? Because.
STRESSED Ka Ultra Spelling,
DESSERTS Hota Hai!
Please Forward This Msg To All You Care,
Don’t Drink Water Without Boiling.
Because Fishes Swim Without Wearing Huggies,
Now Please Don’t Say Thanks I Care for You!
Husband: Do You Know the Meaning
It Means Without Information
Fighting Every time…
Wife: No Darling,
It Means with Idiot for Ever…
Doctor: Your Husband Needs Rest and Peace,
Here Are Some Sleeping Pills…
Wife: When Must I Give Them to Him?
Doctor: They Are for You!
Wife: I Had to Marry You To
Find Out How Stupid You Are.
Husband: You Should Have Known It
The Minute I Asked You to Marry Me!
Father: You Should Marry This
Girl, She Is Kalavati,
Gunwanti And Roopmati.
Son: I’ll Have to Marry Me
Girlfriend, Because She’s Garbhavati!
Santa: I Lost Rs 1000 In A Bet.
Santa: On Cricket Match I Bet
Rs 500 And Lost.
Banta: Where Did the Rest Go.?
Santa: I Bet on The Highlight Too!
Jeeto: What Do You Think About
Santa: Try to Count the Stars
In the Sky.
Jeeto: Wow, So Its Infinite.
Santa: No Baby,
It’s A Waste of Time.
Manager: What Is Your Qualification?
Santa: Sir I Am PHSD.
Manager: What Do U Mean By PHSD?
Santa: Passed High School with Difficulty!
100. 90% Girls in Facebook Say
They Are in Relationship.
90% Boys in Facebook Say
They Are Single.
Then Who Are Liars?
Boys or Girls?